Celibacy Pt. 2

i didn't go into as much detail as i would've liked to in the previous blog about this . . . situation, but i'd begun it in june and forgot about it until now. in trying to finish it, i started using current situations to illustrate the weight and sincerity of my dilemma, therefore making it irrelevent to june 9th 2008.

needless to say (if you read the fucking title correctly anyway), i still haven't gotten laid. it's no easier than june 9th but . . . the feelings are the same. i recently went on a boatride and nearly had a coniption, i was needing it so bad. but i haven't slipped in any way. i haven't even kissed anyone since april 20th (the initiation date).

that's right; on my birthday it'll be five months. and damn if it hasn't been hard. i've been having dreams about throwing down with my friends' boyfriends it's so bad (and fuck freud, i do not want that guy!). but i haven't wavered. masturbation most certainly is not in the clause; it is with the utmost sobriety in the exclusions of this here self-imposed year-long contract. that is honestly what has been keeping me sane for the most part. i'm still snappy, still bitchy. still wander off in my mind somewhere at work wondering what my manager looks like naked, but i've been very much alone.

and naturally that had got me thinking.
and that is a dangerous thing.

as i've mentioned (hundreds of times at this point), i overthink. even when i have shit to do i will still manage to overthink, i will find the time to do so. lately when i dream, i have this feeling of . . . puppy love. not true love or marraige love, but puppy love; that wonderful, fresh feeling, past liking, just this way beyond dating but not quite exclusive. just sweet innocent 'i like you' 'i like you' back, 'let's hang out and enjoy laughing at inane shit and not thinking about missing you when we part cuz it ain't that serious.' yet.

yeah that. i miss that.

and that's unfolded in my subconscious. now does that make me horny or lonely?

i'd hate to think lonely. i really don't want it to be lonely but at times when i'm walking home from work, i fantasize about having someone to call when i walk through the door or some calling me before i even hit the door. when my phone rings these days, 98.67% of the time it's my parents. god bless 'em and i miss them terribly, but c'mon! i just talked to you twenty minutes ago!

it doesn't make it any better when i do get in touch with friends from college when one of the first things they ask is whether or not i have a fucking boyfriend. i am proud [at times] to admit that, no, i don't and i'm doing bad all by myself. it's at those same times that i'm damn proud of what i've accomplished. i live on my own, have a decent job, college-graduate, damn muthafuckin' smart as hell, and have a charming personality to boot. i mean i'm not the bitter, weird cat-lady at the top floor - or maybe i am, without the cats. boog-boogz! (shout out to my homie, illest black cat now reppin' NW DC, Nani aka BoogBoogz aka Boogz aka my doods.) so maybe i do have a cat. in a long distance relationship.

this is sad. and now i'm sad. when i know i shouldn't be. but hell if i can't help it right now.