Circles

round and round
round, i go . . .

i heard somewhere, more than likely from my dad, that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, hoping to gain a different result. then i heard somewhere else not too long ago that when going in circles, you can discover something you missed the first time around.

a question i'm posing to myself is: Just how many fucking times do you need to do this in order to realize, it ain't workin'?

you'd think by now i'd know the answer, as insightful and reflective as i can be. but yet, i do the same things, hang out with the same people, rotate the same fucking wheel hoping, wishing, praying something will give, something will change, a new light will illuminate my life and purpose of being.

nope.

twenty-six and still single. still at the same dead-end job. still relatively unhappy. i'm grateful, don't get me wrong, for the blessings in my life. the same dead-end job, my apartment, my independence. to a certain degree, i'm doing well. but there's something i keep grasping at, but admittedly without much effort.

i become consummed by the task and eventually overwhelmed. so i sit back down on my haunches and pout like an insolent child. like even now, i'm struggling to get this entry together, get my mind in order. what do i really want to do? sleep. crawl under the sheets and go back to that warm and happy dream of me and that dominican-looking guy slowly falling in love with one another. i feel like i have so much to give, but no one's paying attention. no one to give it to.

like this entry.

who the fuck's reading it? besides me, when i feel like reminding myself of . . . i don't even know.

and pause.

no idea what to say next when there's so much running through my head. no one's seeing me anyway. no one's paying attention.