BloggityBlah!

forever and a day since i properly updated this thing, huh?

i think what frustrates me most is my need to elaborate on background explanations for everything so i just give up, thinking i'm boring the one or two people that actually read this thing. bleh! fuckit. if there are questions, let there be.

from now on, i'm rambling, bitches.

lately, my head's been in the clouds. been listless and out-of-sorts. well, not really lately. been for a while now. and i'm apparently the biggest klutz on the planet. i have reason to believe i hurt myself something awful last week after i'd already left the doctor's office. waited until today, thinking, "yeah, i'm fuckin' young. i got dis shit!" only to feel like i'm closer to eighty-six years old without LifeCall. i can't sit without shifting, i can't walk without limping (granted, it is pretty pimp), and i can't sleep right.

oy!

so i gave up and went back to the doctor today, got an anesthetic injection to the area that helped for all of an hour. was sitting in the x-ray place, ready to burst into tears, my fucking leg hurt so bad. even sitting here on the couch is hurting.

my back feels better though. lol

i like my new doc though. he's a little less hesitant with the 'script pad than my PCP, so i've been doing some blood testing and things of that sort to get to the bottom of my symptoms as of late. we've discussed many possibilities that are beyond individual occurances and piecing everything together, it looks like lupus. he didn't want to necessarily pinpoint anything or make any affirmations about his speculations, but nervous, freak-out little ol' me started doing my own research and of course in this WebMD age we live in, i see one too many coincidinks with the various symptoms' lists that i've read. it makes sense, considering how i've felt for the past year or so, but nothing is known or definitive until my bloodwork comes back in a few days.

one part of me hopes it's not, the other would find relief in it, cuz then i'll know what the effshit is wrong with me and i won't feel so goddamn nuts. what i don't quite get is the shift in my health. i was as strong as a horse when i was a kid. sure, i'm much heavier than i used to be and there's a lot less physical activity, but my diet has never been destructive (for long), i am still somewhat active, and i don't do drugs. anymore. kidding. maybe.

but now, i've got daily aches and pains, i'm tired all of the fucking time (there's some days i'm a little less tired, but, hell, i'm beat all the time), i've got wicked heart palpitations that have been taking my breath away these last few months, i'm in a foul mood most of the damn time when i really don't want or mean to be, i can't pay attention to shit for more than two minutes . . . just simply feel a little - okay, so a lot off-kilter.

all i want to do is read, write, read some more, and watch movies all day. i lose weight on weekends cuz if i don't go anywhere, i don't eat (unless it's cereal; hotdamn, cereal's delish!), yet i'm still fat. ha! i'm just . . . a little more frightened than i ought to be. the not-knowing is what's getting to me.

only time shall tell, i suppose.